I still
don't deserve to be trusted. I do bad things and in bad things I mean that I'm
on drugs and I drink like a camel. It's my only escape from the real world. I
like my hallucinated world more than this fucked up world with inequality
everywhere. I suppose I go to school every day but I'm not so sure because I
don't always remember. The only thing I know that I have a very daring friend
whose side I always am. She tries to cure me from my "illness".
That's what she calls it. I'm bringing her to the bad side without knowing it.
She drinks more that she can bear because I persuaded her and I feel bad about
it. I can't control myself sometimes. Ok most of the times I can't. Drug and
alcohol is a bad combination. My parents can't tell me what to do. They are
dead and I'm 18 so I have to live on my own.
I was 16 when they had left.
We were on a holiday in Miami. We were sitting on the sofa in the hotel which we lived in. My parents were having a big argument and when I tried to make peace, then sentenced me into to my room. It was usual that they had "battles" with each other. I heard them shouting so I covered my ears. Then the shouting changed into screaming. I heard a loud bang and two gun shots. I couldn't move. I wanted to move my legs but I couldn't. My heart was beating like hell and when I heard another shoot, I felt pain building up in my belly.
I lost one of my kidneys.
I woke up in the hospital. Their good morning speech was about how my parents had died. The doctors showed me no sympathy. My friend came in and told me everything.
"Listen... I have to tell you everything because if I don't, then nobody will. So the situation is that your parents had died in heart shots. You lost one of your kidneys. You are still recovering and you can't go to school for two months from now on. That means I'm going to bring you the homework. The men who attacked you are still out there somewhere. The lawyer of yours said that you would live at your grandparents. An-" A fucking sound interrupted her.
"Miss, your visit is over. Please, this way." The nurse was standing at the door, waiting.
"Then see you tomorrow! You can phone me anytime!" I looked up to her and I saw tears coming out from her eyes but she was already out. I had dozens of time thinking about what had happened to us. It got worse every minute. The pain was unbearable. My chest felt like it was ripped out and with every thought my heart got a knife in it. I was crying non-stop. Ok just two days in a row.
And then I became depressed. So depressed that I wanted to end my life with pulling out the injections they gave me.
Sooner I became a madman. They were holding me on chains. I was furious, mad, hurt, hopeless, crazy and angry. After four months I calmed a little. She was nowhere to be seen.
The hospital let me go. I went home first. I found my grandparents there. When I wanted to greet them I saw that my grandmother was talking with the ambulance.
She was crying. She was hugging her dead husband on the ground. Blood were coming from the shot in his heart. I ran to them. I lost control over myself. I felt the pain again. The pain I felt is unimaginable. I cannot write it down. I was holding my grandfather's hand. Grabbing them tight, while my tears were streaming down my face. I had enough of crying. I had enough of pain...of everything in my fucking life. Two years later only my friend stood by my side. Things were worse but sometimes better.
I don't have a living family member. All dead by the shooters. They are still outside. I have my own house with my parents’ memories everywhere. When I finally became 18 the first thing I did was that I bought drugs and alcohol. Since then I'm an addict. At least I don't give a damn fuck for life and everything else.
My meal for the whole day was a glass of Jack Daniel's. I started my day with pills and when I felt that the impact of it was over, I took in another in every circumstance. I forget my memories, when drug is in me. We could say that it kept me alive. Living in a house alone was pretty boring, so I had to spend time with doing something. That spare time went away fast when my friend was visiting me. When I talked to her, it felt like I'm free from every pain I supposed to have. I offered her to live with me but she said no because she was only 17. I could understand her. I hoped she wouldn’t lose her parents so soon that I did. She has a brother, whom once I bought cocaine. Now he is in a probation still doing the drug dealing stuff. It broke her. She tried to help her brother, but only with failure. Now she tries to help me too. It helps a little with her distraction so I can focus on her not on the drugs and alcohol. Once when I overdosed myself a "little" I was home alone. I felt the metallic taste of blood in my mouth but I felt blissful and crazy. The ecstasy did it work. I felt no pain, no memory, nothing at all. I held my whiskey proudly in my hand and poured all of its content to my mouth. After that I felt creepy then I blacked out. I woke up to my friend trying to wake me up. When I opened my eyes I had a terrible head and stomach ache. I saw my T-shirt was soaked in blood. I don't even understand how could my friend touch me or kneel next to my lying body.
Otherwise, my fate can suck my ass.
We were on a holiday in Miami. We were sitting on the sofa in the hotel which we lived in. My parents were having a big argument and when I tried to make peace, then sentenced me into to my room. It was usual that they had "battles" with each other. I heard them shouting so I covered my ears. Then the shouting changed into screaming. I heard a loud bang and two gun shots. I couldn't move. I wanted to move my legs but I couldn't. My heart was beating like hell and when I heard another shoot, I felt pain building up in my belly.
I lost one of my kidneys.
I woke up in the hospital. Their good morning speech was about how my parents had died. The doctors showed me no sympathy. My friend came in and told me everything.
"Listen... I have to tell you everything because if I don't, then nobody will. So the situation is that your parents had died in heart shots. You lost one of your kidneys. You are still recovering and you can't go to school for two months from now on. That means I'm going to bring you the homework. The men who attacked you are still out there somewhere. The lawyer of yours said that you would live at your grandparents. An-" A fucking sound interrupted her.
"Miss, your visit is over. Please, this way." The nurse was standing at the door, waiting.
"Then see you tomorrow! You can phone me anytime!" I looked up to her and I saw tears coming out from her eyes but she was already out. I had dozens of time thinking about what had happened to us. It got worse every minute. The pain was unbearable. My chest felt like it was ripped out and with every thought my heart got a knife in it. I was crying non-stop. Ok just two days in a row.
And then I became depressed. So depressed that I wanted to end my life with pulling out the injections they gave me.
Sooner I became a madman. They were holding me on chains. I was furious, mad, hurt, hopeless, crazy and angry. After four months I calmed a little. She was nowhere to be seen.
The hospital let me go. I went home first. I found my grandparents there. When I wanted to greet them I saw that my grandmother was talking with the ambulance.
She was crying. She was hugging her dead husband on the ground. Blood were coming from the shot in his heart. I ran to them. I lost control over myself. I felt the pain again. The pain I felt is unimaginable. I cannot write it down. I was holding my grandfather's hand. Grabbing them tight, while my tears were streaming down my face. I had enough of crying. I had enough of pain...of everything in my fucking life. Two years later only my friend stood by my side. Things were worse but sometimes better.
I don't have a living family member. All dead by the shooters. They are still outside. I have my own house with my parents’ memories everywhere. When I finally became 18 the first thing I did was that I bought drugs and alcohol. Since then I'm an addict. At least I don't give a damn fuck for life and everything else.
My meal for the whole day was a glass of Jack Daniel's. I started my day with pills and when I felt that the impact of it was over, I took in another in every circumstance. I forget my memories, when drug is in me. We could say that it kept me alive. Living in a house alone was pretty boring, so I had to spend time with doing something. That spare time went away fast when my friend was visiting me. When I talked to her, it felt like I'm free from every pain I supposed to have. I offered her to live with me but she said no because she was only 17. I could understand her. I hoped she wouldn’t lose her parents so soon that I did. She has a brother, whom once I bought cocaine. Now he is in a probation still doing the drug dealing stuff. It broke her. She tried to help her brother, but only with failure. Now she tries to help me too. It helps a little with her distraction so I can focus on her not on the drugs and alcohol. Once when I overdosed myself a "little" I was home alone. I felt the metallic taste of blood in my mouth but I felt blissful and crazy. The ecstasy did it work. I felt no pain, no memory, nothing at all. I held my whiskey proudly in my hand and poured all of its content to my mouth. After that I felt creepy then I blacked out. I woke up to my friend trying to wake me up. When I opened my eyes I had a terrible head and stomach ache. I saw my T-shirt was soaked in blood. I don't even understand how could my friend touch me or kneel next to my lying body.
Otherwise, my fate can suck my ass.
08.02.2016
Nincsenek megjegyzések:
Megjegyzés küldése