Reckless Youth #1

A glass or a shiny piece of crystal could be compared to me. I was the exact same. Words can ruin my world and I'm there alone in the sea of lies, where my soul lives. I was wondering in many suicidal attempts but I had to be strong not to reach a knife or a rope. My life would be so much easier but I have to fight and stand even if there's no one to stand with. Sometimes I'm very close to suicide but hope always stops me. There were several times when I held a knife to my heart, scratching the skin but never deeper. I tried to love myself but it just didn't work. Would someone notice if I killed myself in my room?

"Ashley! Get your fucking ass out of your room or I'll tear the door apart!" Great, just what I needed. My father was an alcoholic, which led to many consequences. Why can't I be alone for all day long? I heard a loud noise as glass met with my door. We play this every damn day. After my mother left me alone with my father and my brother, the whole world has changed for me. No one was there to care about me. My brother was there when there was something wrong but he has his own problems. Besides, when I finished my first 2 years, I lost contact with my so called friends. To be accurate they slightly said that they didn't want to talk to me any longer because when I trusted in them, enough to talk about my problems, they ignored me. I tried to have a good relationship with my father but once when I got drunk with him, things went bad. He was wondering that I wasn't interested in his drinks after all and he still tries to persuade me. Sometimes I go to my father’s room and steal a glass or two when he’s sleeping or doing his job. I don’t even know how he can work or what he is even working. As you can see I live in a foolish world and after 1 month I'll go to another school because certain reasons, which I can understand, and I hope that true friends will came, which never came before.

Knowing that my father couldn't come in, I lay down to my bed, watching the ceiling. I had drugs in my shelf but only for particular cases. When I felt no reasons to live, I had always taken one pill or sniffed up through my nose. There were no signs of addiction but if I became an addict, then I wouldn't care so much. When I had my best friend, I really thought that there’s no obstacle in my life and there is only laughter and fun but when she also left me, realisation hit me. I used to take drugs with her but she only took advantages of me and was only proud of herself that she took drugs. However, sooner or later I'll die, only the circumstances would change. I closed my eyes to fall into the darkness I've always loved but an awful smell snapped my eyes out.

"What the fuck...? How did you get in??" He wanted to hug me with his hands bleeding and a horrible scent came from his shirt. I ran into the corner of my room with my dad close to me, trying to catch me. My door was ripped open and a wrenching iron was on the ground along with the wreckages of my door. How could I be so blind and deaf? I truly hate that man and the government can’t even help me. They suppose I’m stupid and they send me home. He went too far by this action and my pump went up, ready to fight if it's necessary, knowing that I barely had a benefit against him.

"Don't trap the rat in the corner as they say but you don't even worth to be a rat." These words were spilling from his disgusting mouth. I could feel the scent of alcohol on him. I didn't even understand why he did that. What was he thinking? I haven’t done anything that matters. I was at my room all morning. It’s good to know that he’s drunk even when it’s not even 12 a.m.

I don’t eat so much and that’s why I’m sometimes called an anorexics. I’m not so thin for god’s sake. I’m just a normal girl with, oh, so many mistakes. My father didn’t notice that I’m not eating since the week before. Maybe it’s because he never buys food, only drinks. But he really looks like anorexics. His bones can be seen perfectly and his skin is so thin that his veins are transparent. I tried to feed him but with a failed attempt. It always turns out to a fight or to loud shouts. My grandparents sometimes ask me whether I’m okay or not but I always lie. They are too old and kind to know the sad truth.

His eyes were red from the lack of sleep I guess. He never sleeps nor eats. I don’t know why on earth he is still living. I was confused; my heart was beating fast and I was ready to punch my father in the face with my eyes closed tight and when I did it, nothing came into my hand’s way. I saw my father lying on the ground with my brother on him. He was punching him in the face until he didn’t know his place. I was standing there, watching the whole situation as it happened. I couldn’t breathe even if I saw things like that before.

Mason, my brother, is a tall and fairly thin but muscular man at the age of 18. Sometimes I go to have a drink with him or we go to a party together even though we don’t really have friends to rely on. Basically we’re two lost children but he doesn’t really like to share his problems with me. He does bad things with a blade instead; which I can see on his wrists when we talk. We have a lot in common but for a girl it’s not common to have fights so my brother takes that job. I did a few illegal things with Mason even if I’m only 17 I tried drugs, alcohols and cigarette years ago. Now I’m only a cigarette addict but not that much, so if I have the mood, I go out and smoke but I can live without that if necessary. Besides, my brother is a sad but enthusiastic person, so for example he enjoys playing on guitar and he better off alone in his room.

“Hey, Ashley it’s okay now. He’s unconscious.” I didn’t even notice that he was hugging me. I was shaking like a leaf on a tree but I let myself into the hug. It’s specific when I get hugs so I appreciate them. Our mother used to hug us every day when we went to school and when we went home but it was years ago. We were 2 happy children back then but now just look at us. We are just 2 mistakes.

Mason was still holding me tight and I felt that he was worried. I spoke up after a break.
“S-Sorry. I was scared. Thanks for being here. I don’t know what would happen if you weren’t here.” Slowly I got out of his hold and watched into his eyes and saw relief. I really wanted to blow off some stream and get out of this misery and well, my brother knows me well.

“Do you fancy going to a bar or somewhere to have a drink or two… or three?” I looked at my sadly not dead father and I knew exactly what to answer.

“Of course! Why don’t we take the motorcycle? Let’s lead a dangerous life with no borders!” I was way too joyous about the night and started planning it in my head. Maybe it was too rash for first but the thought that I can be free was relieving. I caught my brother’s look and for a second I was shocked.

“Ash, I know what you want but isn’t that too much for you? I mean I’m worried about you. You aren’t supposed to behave like this.” Now that was a big mistake. He knows exactly that I’m impatient and I have a short-temper. I can’t believe that he tells me what to do. We went through many things and he tries to pull me out of the dark when I’m 17? Oh, he must have lost his mind somewhere. He led me this way and it’s my choice to decide what I want to do. He’s not my father, even if I wish he was but there were limits. I tried to keep my mouth closed but my thoughts split out.

“It’s not your business to decide which way I’m going. We have a father and thanks, but no thanks, I don’t need another one. You don’t know many things. And you know how much I appreciate you but I had enough of this. It’s not the first time that you emphasize my behaviour.” I may seemed to be an asshole but what goes out, never comes back. My brother looked hurt and tried not to show it but I could notice that. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or else but for heaven’s sake I’m not kidding. His facial expressions changed and took a step away from me.

“Oh, how far could you go without me? I helped you out so many times, don’t you remember? Forget about the night…” He took one more step backwards and almost fell off in our father but turned and rushed to his room and slammed the door. What should I do? I asked from myself. After a minute a great idea came to my mind.

I put my black, leather jacket on, my boots and the same outfit as every day. I was ready to go but first, I had to take some money with me. I went out of my room with the lack of door and went down the stairs while I heard Mason singing a beautiful melody. I was sure that he wouldn’t come out and my father wouldn’t wake up soon so I grabbed my brother’s driving licence which was luckily on the table waiting for me. I took my way down to the garage and saw the beautiful Harley in front of me.

Let the night begin…